Reblog this if you slept with my ex-wife Susan.

hashtagdion:

Trying to prove a point to my divorce lawyer.

firelorcl:

the only valentine’s day cards i’ll accept

image
I wasn’t looking for anything at all when I met you. Actually, I wasn’t planning on falling for anyone so soon. But then I met you. And that was it…I guess things just happened. I found you and I found myself slowly wanting to spend time with you. It was simple. It was easy. And I think that’s how the best relationships begin. You’re not looking for anything and then suddenly you realize; you have something.
(via likeabullot)

internetexplorers:

someone: you can’t be happy and sad at the same time

me: allow me to demonstrate

coluring:

“Truth or dare” 
“Truth”
“What’s your credit card number”

552:

my new year’s resolution is to stop

cokedpup:

life is so good I want to jump out a moving car

Anonymous asked:
What's the most illegal thing you ever did?

almanzapedia:

At Stanford there was this Professor who was a total bitch and she taught British Literature, which was cool. Except she taught only her opinions of the books and it didn’t help me as a writer. I went to school to learn new things to improve my craft, not have someone else’s opinions carved onto my forehead.

So anyway, for our final project, she asked us to write a ten page paper on why the color symbolism in Othello was so significant. I did some research and it turned out that she did her entire graduate thesis on this very subject. I was mad. This wasn’t teaching, this was boosting her ego. SO I wrote a ten page essay on why color symbolism in Othello wasn’t significant, satirizing it to the point of no return, saying that her opinion was an opinion and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

SHe failed me, needless to say. So in retaliation, I responded by baking a batch of brownies laced with weed and laxatives and delivered them myself to the professor hours before her big graduation speech. I told her that it was a peace offering, my way of apologizing and asking if I could do anything to fix my grade.

She refused to fix my grade.

In the end, she shit herself on stage.

I didn’t regret it.


encourage:

i love when kisses get so intense you just grab at each other because you literally cannot get any closer to each other. Thats my favorite thing. or when you aren’t thinking and kisses get sloppy and you get a mouthful of teeth. i love when you get side tract and you kiss hard and you were supposed to be gentle but you end up being slammed into a wall. i like when things get hot and you both are literally panting because you cant catch your breath.